Jessica Simpson Tries To Kiss Britney’s Belly

August 23, 2006

Britney Spears At Teen Choice Awards

At last Sunday’s Teen Choice Awards, Jessica Simpson supposedly asked Britney Spears if she could kiss her pregnant belly. Britney, uncharacteristically showing some class, told Jessica “Hell no!”

A witness tells US Weekly, “Jessica was really insulted, but Britney refused to let her do it.”

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Paris Hilton’s Lesson On Oral Sex

August 23, 2006

Paris Hilton Acne

As hard as it may be to believe, Paris Hilton was once naive about sex. The skanky celebutante tells Blender magazine the motherly advice she got on oral sex:

“My mom told me that you get those holes in your face, craters – she knew this person who had craters. I’m like, ‘What is that from?’ She’s like, from giving blow jobs.” “I’m like, ‘You get craters?’ And I totally believed her. She’s like, ‘It’s from sucking.’ I’m like, ‘Ewwww!’ I told my boyfriend – he’s like, ‘Why don’t you ever do that?’ I’m like, ‘Because my mom told me you get these craters.’ And he’s like, ‘Paris, you’re 19. You’re allowed to do this.’”


Tom Cruise Gets Fired

August 22, 2006

Tom Cruise Gets Fired

Tom Cruise’s craziness has finally caught up to him. Today Viacom’s Paramount Pictures ended its 14-year relationship with the, um, outspoken actor.

Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone tells the Wall Street Journal:

“As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal. His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount.”


Celebrity Reaction To K-Fed’s Teen Choice Performance

August 22, 2006

Kevin Federline On Teen Choice Awards

 

“The person I feel saddest for is Britney.”
– Paula Abdul

“John Karr has a bigger future in show business than K-Fed.”
– Comic Jeffrey Ross

“I just think we ignore him. He’s a joke, basically. I just don’t think he gets it. He doesn’t get that he’s Britney’s man and it’s hard to take him seriously.”
– Elliot Wilson, editor of XXL magazine

“All that song was was 50 [Cent] and a couple other people’s music from the last two years put together in one song and then he rapped over it.”
– Jaime Pressly

“Yo, Vanilla Ice is back.”
– Marlon Wayans

“I’m very proud of him. He’s faced so much negative criticism.”
– Ludacris


Madonna Can Zap Nuclear Waste With Magical Kabbalah Fluid

August 22, 2006

Madonna's Toxic Waste Fluid

London’s Sunday Times is reporting that Madonna once lobbied the government to clean up nuclear waste with a “supposedly magical Kabbalah fluid.”

“It was like a crank call . . . the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically,” one official said.

“She relentlessly pursued people,” said a former DTI civil servant. “She wanted to get this Russian scientist to explain this to civil servants.”

Madonna’s rep tells MSNBC that this was “old news”, having occurred years ago.

Is it too obvious to ask that if Madonna has had a magical nuclear waste eliminating Kabbalah fluid for years, why the hell do we still have nuclear waste?


Paris Hilton’s Album Brings A Tear To Her Lazy Eye

August 22, 2006

Paris Hilton Cries Because Her Album Is So Good

Paris Hilton actually has the gall to brag about how good her new album, Paris, is.

“I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it’s so good.”

She goes on to tell the new issue of Blender magazine that her persona is all an act.

“I’m always playing a character. I don’t talk like this really — like a baby. I don’t act like myself in public, because I don’t really want to show everyone the real me. Because I have no privacy whatsoever, the only thing I have is who I really am.”

So you heard it from Paris. She’s always playing a character. A slutty character.  Who doesn’t wear underwear.  And has an ass goiter.


Osama Bin Laden Wants To Bang Whitney Houston

August 22, 2006

Osama Bin Laden and Whitney Houston

Osama Bin Laden’s former sex-slave, Kola Boof, writes in her new book Diary of a Lost Girl:

He said he had a paramount desire for Whitney Houston. He mentioned her constantly, how beautiful she is, what a nice smile, how truly Islamic she is, but just brainwashed by American culture and her husband, Bobby Brown. Osama talked about having him killed, as if it were normal to have women’s husbands killed.

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that Osama hasn’t seen Whitney lately. And by lately, I mean the past ten years. The National Enquirer must take a while to reach Afghanistan caves.

Does anyone else think that this could be a great second season of Being Bobby Brown?