I’m Not Dead

Regular posting returns next week… still in the process of moving and haven’t had a chance to post daily. Thanks for your patience, I love you all!

John Mayer Has A Dark, Small Penis

Do you know that little voice inside your head who stops you from saying things you shouldn’t? Apparently John Mayer doesn’t have that voice. Excerpts from John Mayer’s Rolling Stone interview, via US Weekly.

On porn:
“I bought myself a Playgirl once. I just loved the feeling that there was a porno you really, really weren’t supposed to have…Not to say I wouldn’t enjoy the energy of watching a guy and girl have sex. I think I’d vomit out of pure arousal. Have you ever seen a guy and girl have sex in person?”

On Brangelina:
“Everyone thinks Brad Pitt has it great because he married Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible, because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a blow job, what do you tip your head back and think of to help you finish? You have nothing left – just Jesus on a polar bear in the middle of the snow saying, ‘You greedy motherfucker, I’ve got nothing for you.’”

On being on tour:
“I slept with, like, three girls a week.”

On his private parts:
“I’m not worried about how small my penis is – I’m worried about how dark it is. I have a Dominican penis. My penis hit six home runs last year; my penis wears shoes without socks.”

On the media:
“Everybody right now in the world of entertainment is a pussy. A pussy. They’re all so sensitive. What the fuck happened?”

On press interviews:
“I’m at a point right now where the more I talk, the more I’m going to say something in the next twelve months that’s going to damage my career.”

We couldn’t have said it better, John…

Paris Hilton Arrested For DUI

America’s favorite amateur porn star pulled a Mel Gibson last night. Well, minus that whole anti-Semitic tirade thing. Paris Hilton was pulled over for driving erratically in her Mercedes Benz McLaren SLR. She ended up blowing a .08 and getting booked for DUI. Paris was released on her own recognizance and the city attorney has yet to decide if she’ll be charged.

Paris called into Ryan Seacrest this morning to defend herself, saying that she only had one margarita and was driving fast because she “was really hungry” and wanted an In-N-Out Burger. She says the police were trying to make a statement because they were surrounded by paparazzi.

And, as always, TMZ has video.

John Mayer Thinks Jessica Simpson Is Desperate

Page Six is reporting that John Mayer has already dumped Jessica Simpson. Last week, People Magazine declared the couple “in love”, but John begs to differ. He thinks that Jessica was using their relationship for publicity. A source tells US Magazine the relationship “was a 2 [that] her camp spun into an 11… [Mayer] thinks it’s desperate… an attempt to stay in the spotlight.”

Paris Hilton Is A Sad Clown

On the left: The sad clown. On the right: Paris Hilton crying after she and Brandon Davis were turned away from nightclub Bungalow 8.

More pics at wwtdd.com.

The Real Pictures Of Suri Cruise

Holy crap, she exists! Tonight, on her first night hosting the CBS Evening News, Katie Couric showed us the new pictures of Suri Cruise in Vanity Fair:

More pics after the jump.

The Best New Song Of The Year

If you haven’t heard this song yet, you must! It’s from a band called The OK Go Away Paris Hilton Apparatus! and it’s my favorite new song of the summer. Listen to it here.

A Showbiz Stupidity interview with the creator of this musical masterpiece, Mr. Smith, after the jump!

Suri Cruise’s Poop Sculpture

From the genius artist who brought us “Naked Britney on a Bearskin Rug”, it’s a bronze sculpture of Suri Cruise’s poop. E! News reports:

“Babies mostly breast-feed for the first four months, so a baby’s first meal of solid food may be a baby’s first meal at the dinner table,” said David Kesting, director of Capla Kesting Fine Art, located in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg gallery district. “A bronzed cast of baby’s first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family.”

If you want, you can actually buy this and put it on your mantle or whatever it is you’d do with bronzed baby poo. Check out this website for details.

John Travolta Kisses Other Men On The Mouth

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just thought you might like to see it:

Source: National Enquirer via ONTD

Lindsay Lohan Likes To Buy Naughty Gifts

As if there was ever any doubt, we now know that Lindsay Lohan is as big of a perv as the rest of us. The actress has supposedly been sending her friends sex toys as gifts. A source tells Britain’s Daily Star:

“Lindsay has been making her female friends laugh by sending them sex toys as she wanted to cheer them up. The latest thing she sent out was an Ann Summers sex toy called the Deluxe Rampant Rabbit. Lindsay thinks they are hilarious. As well as 12 pairs of sexy black thongs, some massage oil and edible underwear she has ordered 12 of the Deluxe Rabbits off the internet.”

Paris Hilton Wants To Be Lance Bass

The Sunday Mirror is reporting that Paris Hilton is actually planning on traveling into space. Paris has plopped down $195,000 to be a passenger on Richard Branson’s Virgin Enterprise rocket, which hasn’t even been built yet.

A source tells the tabloid, “She was a fan of the Star Wars films and the idea of blasting into space thrills her, but I don’t think she’s done the research – the reality may not be her idea of fun.”

What research is the source speaking of? Apparently because there are no toilets on the rocket, Paris will be forced to wear a diaper. No word yet on if her assistant will be forced to change it.

KROQ’s Lindsay Lohan Firecrotch Song

This is pretty damn funny. Kevin and Bean at KROQ in Los Angeles had “Brandon Davis” perform a song about Lindsay Lohan’s firecrotch.

Click here to listen to it. The song itself is about three minutes in.

Who Wants To Watch Diddy Pee?

Really the question should be, who doesn’t?

Britney Spears’ Baby Gift Registry Includes $1200 Chandelier

Someone stumbled upon Britney Spears’ supposed gift registry at fancy Hollywood baby store Petit Tresor. A source tells The Scoop that it’s legit, but who knows. According to the registry, Britney’s expecting on November 11th.

A few of the items Britney would like:

• Airplane Chandelier : $1,275
• Bonne Nuit Crib: $2,200
• Bonne Nuit French Changer: $2,395
• Polka Dot Pink Rug: $495
• Baby Rosebuds Crib Set: $895
• “Ruffles, Roses ‘n Bows” Bassinet by Lulla smith: $1,100
• Berry Adult Glider with Ottoman: $1,095

Feel free to look at their gift registry and buy an overpriced baby gift for Britney and K-Fed at Petit Tresor.

Man Has Sex With Paris Hilton, Wisely Scrubs With Tilex

The Scoop reports that Paris Hilton is pissed at Deadsy singer Elijah Blue Allman, who told Howard Stern about having sex with her before she was famous.

Blue, the son of Cher, admitted he was so worried about catching a STD from Paris that he scrubbed his genitals with Tilex.

If Tilex were smart, they’d jump on this right away:

Elton John Wants To Rap

Elton John revealed to Rolling Stone magazine that he wants to put out a hip-hop album. He says, “I want to work with Pharrell, Timbaland, Snoop, Kanye, Eminem and just see what happens. It may be a disaster, it could be fantastic, but you don’t know until you try.”

Instead of writing all new songs, we thought Elton could simply update some of his classics with a hip-hop twist:

• The Bitch Is Back (With Another Paternity Test)
• Bennie and the Crips
• The Circle of Life With No Parole
• Your Song (To Listen To During a Drive-By)
• Tiny Dancer On a Stripper Pole
• I’m Still Standing (Thanks To a Bulletproof Vest)

William H. Macy Thinks Lindsay Lohan Needs Her Ass Kicked

William H. Macy, while promoting his new movie, Everyone’s Hero, used the opportunity to go off on Lindsay Lohan’s recent movie set tardiness. The Academy Award nominated actor told reporters:

“You can’t show up late, it’s very, very disrespectful. I think what an actor has to realize [is that] when you show up an hour late, 150 people have been scrambling to cover for you. There is not an apology big enough in the world to have to make 150 people scramble. It’s nothing but disrespect. And Lindsay Lohan is not the only one. A lot of actors show up late as if they’re God’s gift to the film. It’s inexcusable. They should have their asses kicked.”

K-Fed To Show Off Mad Acting Skills in CSI

People is reporting that Kevin Federline will make his acting debut in an upcoming episode of CSI. In the episode set to air in October, K-Fed will play a “menacing, arrogant teen who harasses investigators Nick Stokes (George Eads) and Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) on a job.”

Kevin tells People:

“This is pretty much my first time acting. It’s the first time I’ve actually had a speaking role. I was doing stuff for the Teen Choice Awards and got the call while we were rehearsing and I pissed in my pants! I was excited right off the bat. It’s the only show that I really, really watch.”

Lindsay Lohan Perfume Coming Soon?

TMZ is reporting that Lindsay Lohan is in talks to come out with her own line of perfume. Can we make the following suggestion?

Diddy Brags About Endorsing Zit Cream

Man, Diddy really knows how to build street cred. In this video, he brags about his “silky smooth cocoa butter skin” and the fact that he was endorsing Proactiv before Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson.